You can change your mind

Infertility is hard. You can rewrite your story as often as you like.

Women that have trouble conceiving do not necessarily have the same experience or feelings on the journey of seeking medical intervention, but we all have the same goal, a baby. Here’s my story. At first, my husband and I were excited when we got the chance to see a reproductive endocrinologist for the hope of having a baby. Years of uncertainty as to why we were unable to successfully conceive would finally provide us with answers as to what was wrong. We did everything right as far as the timing of our intercourses. Still, no baby and this happened over a 10-year period.

     We went to our doctor’s appointment and learned a few things that we were unaware of about ourselves. One, I learned that my A1C was 6.1, not an alarming number but could significantly be a sign of trouble ahead.  Secondly, my husband’s semen analysis came back low but not low enough to prevent pregnancy.

    When I scheduled our first IUI, I was then filled with excitement. I was without a doubt sure that our trouble with conception would be fixed. I mean the doctor would take a sample of my husband’s semen and insert it into my uterus and “Boom a baby”, right? Unfortunately, in our case that was not the case. The news of a failed IUI replaced that excitement I once felt with devastation. This would naturally knock any woman down and it did, knock me down but I eventually got back up to reschedule another IUI course. This time around I was still hopeful, but uneasiness settled in because there was a possibility that this too could fail. The wait for the news was unbearable but we got through it because this could work after all.  I am not going to sugar coat this experience because at the end of the day its dreadful, draining physically, emotionally and mentally and ultimately, damnit another failed attempt. The doctor called me in to speak with him privately to discuss the next steps, I didn’t jump right away to make the

appointment because I was flooded with so many emotions, “How could I continue doing this to myself?” After some thought I made the appointment. I remember the day so clearly, it was March 2015, I went to see my reproductive endocrinologist in his office, and it went like this: “You got facial hair, your 35 and you are not getting any younger”, he said. He recommended IVF that very moment. Now I talked about how I processed all the information he laid on the table so “gently” in my previous talks, chats and seminars, leading me to give birth to the Black Women and Infertility Group (I will dive deeper into that part in future blog post). That day I went home torn apart to shreds, confused, numb and unable to process why all of this was happening to me and what did I do wrong, “what am I doing wrong!” Through all of that I went ahead and ordered the IVF medications only to realize that I was unable to afford them. When it rains it pours, right? “Lord I can’t deal with this.” At this point, we changed our minds. We changed our minds because “that’s our business”-like Tabitha Brown says in her Instagram post. We decided it was time to take a break and focus on living our best life even if at this time it was without a child. For our family, God has shown it was the best choice. I am not saying that our approach is the path for anyone struggling in this situation. I am simply saying that at any time YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR MIND and it is okay to do that.

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